Winning isn't the only goal
Almost every article about coaching talks about "winning shouldn't be the only goal". But what does that mean? It has been my experience that far too many coaches talk about "having fun", but they run their teams in such a way that almost all the life and fun has been squeezed out. This article is filled with various ideas on how to make sure that winning hasn't taken over your program. Understanding and explaining where winning and losing fits in life and hockey is one of the most important parts of coaching, and indeed dominates the entire team. A coach has to make it clear where winning fits in his philosophy at the opening team meeting. My philosophy of winning can be summarized by a pep-talk I gave a team of Squirts before a championship game:
Barry: This is the championship game and if we win I am going to take the entire team to Laser Quest
Player: Coach, what is going to happen if we lose?
Barry: If we lose I'm going to take the entire team to Laser Quest
Player: With a puzzled look, "but, coach, that's the same thing.
Barry: Right. And when you understand that you will understand where winning fits.
About 8 years later, one of the players from that Squirt team came up to me and said, "I get it, I know what you were trying to tell me about winning all those years ago - you were telling me to try as hard as I possible can, but win, lose, or draw, make sure to leave it at the rink and go have a great time in life".
However, it is important to understand that not all coaches agree with the philosophy above. In fact, most do not. In upper levels of hockey, if you lose, you have to “act like your dog died”. IE, can’t talk, head down, etc. No crying, but act miserable. If you act normal, these coaches think you are a “loser”. They have the philosophy, “show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser”. Which I believe is 100% wrong. At the other extreme, it is not as if winning or losing doesn't matter at all - after all, we are competing. What I’ve evolved, and I tell the kids:We are going to try as hard as possible to win the game. All the kids are going to play equally until the last 2-3 minutes, and if it is a close game then “the best play, and any of you can be the best by the end of the year”. If it is a blowout, one way or the other, then at the end the weaker kids play. So time evens out. The kids want it this way (the parents may not). The kids know who is better than who, and if you are down 3-2 with a minute to play, they ALL want the good kids out there. But only at the end, not the whole game.
After a game, win or lose, we are going out someplace as a team. Maybe dinner, or laser quest, or an amusement park. These events are separate from the score and mandatory. Kids always love these events – it is what helps make it memorable.
When we lose a tough one, I tell the kids in the locker room, “look, that was a tough one, and we all feel bad about it. The best you can all do is sit there and “feel bad”. Don’t tell yourself, “we played hard”, or “we will get them next time”, or “the refs screwed up”. DON’T TRY TO CHEER THEM UP OR MAKE IT EASIER – that does not work and will only make it worse. The key is to tell them, just “feel bad, its ok”. That is the fastest way to “get through” the “feel bad part”. And, we are going to laser quest in 30 minutes, and when we get there we are going to focus on the event.
I tell them that while they are with ME as their coach, they don’t have to “act sad” to “prove” to me they are “winners”. It is perfectly normal to feel bad for awhile after a lose, and then go have a great time at the next event in your life. Not only is this “Ok”, it is PREFERRED. It is very important to make it clear that you can be a “winner” and still lose a game and have a good time after. They don't have to impress you by acting miserable.
As the kids get older, I tell them about all the idiots in upper hockey who actually believe, “if you are happy after a win, you are a loser, and I will cut you”. And these idiots mean, ‘unhappy for at least 24 hours’. And the “more unhappy the better." No crying allowed, but kicking garbage cans, pouting, not talking etc. I tell my kids they have to learn to act this way, or they can’t play upper level hockey. So, at about 12-14 years (before they go to AAA or Juniors or College), we actually practice, “acting like your mother died”. I have a kid sit in the locker room, I come in and yell at him, tell him he sucks, kick a garbage can, scream some more. The kid is supposed to look at the floor and say, “yes, you are right coach”. At first, they all just laugh. They can’t believe this actually exists. So, it takes about 10 training sessions before they can stop laughing at my screaming and yelling and garbage can throwing. But, finally, they learn to act sad. Now, the minute the coach is out of sight, they go back to normal.
I’ve sent several kids on to the pro level, and all of them came back to me and said this lesson was the most valuable they learned. One kid told me that after his first Junior game, the coach actually came in, yelled at him, and threw the trash can at the door. He said without the training he would have started laughing (and would have got cut). After a loss, any loss, he learned to act sad in the locker room, on the bus, and in the team meal. Only when the coaches left and the players were alone did her revert to his natural, happy self.